For the most part, I have mastered the skill of emotional distraction.  I hold tight to the things that remind me of Tucker. I cherish every opportunity to celebrate his life. However, these days, I admit, I don't often allow myself idle time. 

I got an unexpected gift on my drive home today. I popped in a CD of a recorded church service from early 2008 with the intent of listening to the music, and my heart skipped a beat by precious interference, the excited squeals and happy chatter from a certain 2 year old who was busily playing with his Cars nearby the recorder. For a moment, I could hear him again and my heart was full. I played the recording over and over and over and over again, because that's what I have.

We have pictures meticulously placed in a photo book. They are in order, and they tell a story.  We have videos of first words, and milestones, but the random, otherwise insignificant moments caught on tape of a pizza covered face that just wants to look at himself in the camera...those are the ones I treasure. 

It's almost unfathomable that it's been almost 2 years since I heard that sound.  How is it even possible that one day it's here and the next day it's not?

And in moments like these, I am blessed to remember. I am blessed to feel.  Unfortunately, remembering the presence requires acknowledging the absence. I read recently in a book, "When A Child Dies" (thank you Wanda), the story of a mother who refuses to give up the good memories of her child's life. She said sometimes you have to walk over broken glass to get there, but it's worth it. Her words could not be more accurate.

Sometimes I find myself consoling people when they ask me how I am. Just today, someone I recently met, sweetly told me that they had visited the website for the first time. I smiled and said, "He was an awesome little boy."...just as if we were talking about someone from a story I'd read. 

Though Tucker is ever present on my lips and in my mind, this afternoon I allow myself to walk over the broken glass and visit Tucker in my heart. Not just the awesome Tucker that the world knew of and loved, but Tucker my child, Tucker flesh of my flesh and heart of my heart, Tucker whom my soul aches for.  

I am blessed to have known the joy, and I am blessed to feel.  The Lord giveth, He taketh away, blessed be His name. 

We are soooo excited about this weekend. As many of you know, Llama Llama was the instigator of many MANY smiles in our home.  When we reflect on precious time spent with Tucker last year, Llama Llama played such an important role in our own story. 

The author, Anna Dewdney, is coming to Knoxville this weekend, for the Children's Reading Festival.  If you haven't had a chance to see the performance at your local library, you can check it out on stage this Saturday at the World's Fair Park.

 
  
Schedule of Events 
 
Main Stage:

10 a.m. Llama Llama Red Pajama Live: presented by the Dollywood's Penguin Players

10:45 a.m. Author Anna Dewdney

11:30 a.m. Red Pajama Llama Parade launches from the stage

We have been anxiously awaiting her arrival for a few months.  A rep from KCL sent word to her about Tucker and the role she played in his life.  Long story short, we will be having breakfast with her this weekend!!! 

Only those of you who followed Tucker's story could possibly understand how significant this is to our family.  I can't wait to personally thank her. 

I hope you can get out to see her tomorrow!

Love,
Candy and Monty 

As you all know, Tucker's cardiologist, Dr. Yvonne Bremer sits high on our list of heroes. We simply cannot say enough about what she has meant to us. I wanted to pass along info about her new practice to all of our heart friends.

East Tennessee Pediatric Cardiology, P.C.
2001 Highland Ave, Suite B
Knoxville, TN 37916
865-771-9070 for appointments

I love that I don't have to change the "today I feel"! Still "all better". 

Somewhere along the way, I subconsciously  made the decision that home was no longer home.  I suppose to others it may have been obvious, since I have made every possible attempt to escape these four walls whenever presented the opportunity. Every day my husband and two children leave for work and school, and every day I have set my mind to find something to do outside of the house. There's only so much one can do, though.  I've enrolled in school, but it hasn't started yet.  I've had lunch with my kids, with friends, Monty. I've taken trips. Then there are the every day errands of course.  Errands are dangerous for me, though, because I love to shop. I never buy anything that's not on sale, but there is a fine line between what one needs and what one needs because it's on sale. 

I'm not complaining. I thank my husband often for giving me the gift of being a stay at home mom.  I am happy to have done it. It's just now stay at home mom is only a part time job.  I so look forward to the afternoon, waiting by the door for Anna and Ethan, snack laid out on the table, ready to sit down and find out all about their day. 

It's the in between hours that getcha.  Not that there isn't plenty to be done around here.  I will be the first to admit that I am not the wife that walks around with a dustrag in her pocket, and a vacuum is sometimes hard to get to, burried under the things that pile on top of it as weeks pass.  But order, you will generally find. 

I've gotten used to the quiet.  I've adjusted to the fact that I'm only accountable to me during the day. Seems like I should enjoy the time off and stop whining! So what's up?

Monty has been away on business for a few days, the kids have been at school, and I had no obligations, so I just could not imagine anything better to do than stay in bed for 3 days.  (I could actually think of many things better than staying in bed, just not at the time.) I just didn't want to get up and walk around an empty house.

I suppose that's when it occurred to me that I no longer feel at home in my own house.  It's lonely, it's quiet, it's different.  So I figured I'm gonna have to come to terms with that pretty quickly, because well, this is our home.  Our beautiful home, that we are so blessed to have.

So knowing that Monty was to arrive home soon, I didn't want him to feel the way I did.  I started cleaning up a bit.  I put some dishwashing liquid into a pot to soak, and it reminded me of a funny story.  When Monty and I were first married, we had a fry daddy (so our eating habits were not always healthy). It was one where you reused the grease a few times (yeah, I'm cringing myself). So I got it out one night, plugged it in and poured in the fries.  Monty came along and said "why are the fries bubbling?", and sure enough, there were bubbles rising to the top.  It didn't take long to figure out that Monty had put dishwashing detergent and water in it to soak the last time we used it, and I obviously had missed that!  And these are the things newlyweds do... I miss that innocence so badly.  The fairytale.

But it made me remember that feeling of when you have your first home. For us that was a little apartment, but it was ours, and it was home.  I was so excited to clean it and fix things just so. I worked then and I would have done ANYTHING to stay home one day just so I could be in my home. I want to feel that way again! 

Today was the perfect day to be cooped up, because it was too yucky to go anywhere.  I turned on some music and opened my windows so I could hear the rain, and I enjoyed being in that moment.

You hear about the benefits of aromatherapy, and I am a believer. Smell is one of my favorite gifts from God. I have a few new favorites that trigger some pretty special memories. 

On the night Tucker died here, we had a special ceremony with family and some dear friends. In ancient days people would annoint bodies of the deceased with spices and oils. That night, we rubbed his little body with Frankincense and Myrrh. Nothing to do with his soul, but closure, and a gift to his body that had been so worn. We used an oil called "joy", an essence that would bring to mind all of the many joys that Tucker brought to our lives, and each took a "joy" saturated piece of one of his baby blankets. We don't claim any power in the oil, but we certainly acknowledge that the sense of smell can be an amazing gift.

Today I've burned the oil, and the aroma still fills my home.  Painful memories give way to sweetness. Today I enjoyed being here.  It felt like home.  Tomorrow I get to go to school and I cannot WAIT to get out of the house! But at the end of the day, I get to come home.

One day at at time, right?  I know the treasures of earth will pass and we are only here for a season, but God gave us life and breath, and we are here. Waiting on Him, but present in the moment, cherishing each one, and thanking Him for it.

I've pondered if I should continue to write since the originial purpose of this website was to keep you updated on Tucker's status.  I've come to the conclusion that this has become much more than a report, but it has become a story. It's a story about a family, a real family, with real troubles and real joys. It's my family, and you have become a part of it, so I invite you to join us on our new journey. 
 
People often tell Monty and I that we are so strong and that they can't imagine, and just don't know what they would do in this situation. I think if you've read any of our story at all, you know where our strength comes from.

So when a family loses a member, what is the after like? You've probably figured out we are anything but traditional, so I'm really not sure what "normal" is, but I can tell you what we've been up to. 

Not a day goes by that Tucker's name doesn't fall from our lips.  Whatever we are doing, in our hearts he is somehow a part, and will forever be. Anna and Ethan know they can talk about anything or ask anything...and believe me, they do...

I had been doing the travel business thing while I was at home with Tucker, and realized real quickly that working from home was NOT going to be my thing anymore.  I actually spent a few days at the library trying to work, because I just didn't want to be home alone. There's only so much work you can do at the library, though.

The silence was pretty much unbearable for the first couple of weeks and I had no one to take care of, so we did the only rational thing...we got a puppy.  It's okay, laugh, we are insane. Those who know me well, know that I, that WE, are NOT dog people.  We are CAT people. But now we are cat people when we are upstairs and dog people when we are downstairs.  "Ruby" was at Young Williams Animal Shelter, standing in the window, begging me to bring her home.  I came home, burried myself in the book "Housetraining for Dummies" and picked her up the next day, determined that this would work.  Long story short..someone must have thought we deserved a break, because I got her home and she was already potty trained, trained to sit and fetch, and the perfect match for our family...our perfect little scruffy dog. She's been awesome.  I'm liking the dog thing alot more since the weather has warmed up.  

                                                                                            

I suppose since she was already trained, I had yet still too much time on my hands. I took a couple of short trips to catch up with friends and had some sweet and refreshing fellowship.  I spent the beginning of Passover with a dear friend in Charlottesville and went to my first Seder.  It was beautiful and healing to my spirit. 

Monty and I have read and studied, and have earnestly sought to find what is next for us. Right now we are just breathing in, resting in Him, and listening. 

Monty has had the hard job around here. Life doesn't stop, and he didn't either. He hasn't had the time to sit still. He wholeheartedly is dedicated to his family and to his career, and he works overtime in both roles. 

I knew the day would come that all of my children would be in school, and it would be time for me to go back to school.  I didn't expect it to be so soon though. I want to be here when Anna and Ethan get home, so the timing is right. I have always been fascinated with the medical field...which is fortunate. You would think I would feel I've done my time in that setting by now, but it's just the opposite.  I looked back on my senior memory book under "Where will you be working 10 years from now?", and it said "in a hospital setting".  Wow, huh?  It's time, it's what I'm supposed to do.  This is something Monty and I have talked about for years, but I never dreamed would be possible.  I will be starting pre-med in Health Science at South College this summer. Six years from now, I hope to be a Physicians Assistant.

I had the opportunity to speak at the annual Make a Wish "Waltz for Wishes" on Saturday night.  Monty was in New York, but my Dad was my date. I was so happy to have the opportunity to share a little bit about one of Tucker's great loves...Disney.  We really tried to make every moment count last year, and the Disney trip was one of the most memorable. Any chance to talk about that smile, the good times, that makes me smile.  It was a little emotional no doubt.  This is what I shared...

"It is an honor to be here tonight.  The Make a Wish Foundation has left a mark on my life that I will never forget.  Tonight I want to share with you a story about a 3 year old boy.   A little boy who loved Lightning McQueen, Mickey Mouse, and maybe most of all, a little boy who LOVED....Cinderella. 
 
My son, Tucker, was born in 2005 with Congenital Heart Disease.  It was a total shock, and the day he was born, no one could promise that he would live another day.   As I was finally able to hold for the first time, I remember telling God, "If I have him for one day, if I have him for a hundred years, I'll cherish every moment, and I'll thank you for it."  And that's exactly how we lived life for the next 2.5 years. 
 
By 2 years old, he had 3 open heart surgeries.  He was a tough little boy, soaring through each surgery and recovery.  To look at him, you would never know what his little body had endured.  He was so full of life.  He would run and play, always smiling, always laughing.  From the time he could walk, he always had a Lightning McQueen car in hand, whether awake or sleeping. He was aquiring quite the vocabulary, and many conversations revolved around Disney.  He had 2 videos that he liked to watch.  Cars, of course, and the Disney promotional video. We had received one in the mail and when given the choice, he would say "Mom! How bout Cinderella's Castle?!?" 
 
In March of 2008 he suddenly became very sick.  We were about to go some diagnostic testing, trying to get him better, when he had a stroke.  He went into a coma, and the doctors informed us that he was neurologically devestated.  He would never walk, talk, eat or do anything independently again, he would most likely be blind and deaf, and possibly never wake up.  As I held him the first time, again he was like a newborn baby.  I told God again, "You gave us two years of treasure. If I have him for one more day, if I have him for a hundred years, I'll cherish every moment, and I'll thank you for it."
 
There was not much anyone else could do, we had been in the hospital nearly 6 weeks and Tucker was still in a coma, and we decided to bring him home.  We had 2 other children to care for and wanted to live life as "normal" as possible.  We did our best to keep things routine.  Every night, we read to him his favorite bedtime story, "Llama Llama Red Pajama", and Lightning McQueen was ALWAYS in hand.  
 
It wasn't long til Tucker began to open his eyes. Soon after, we saw a hint of a smile, and soon we realized that he could hear.  It didn't take long after that to figure out that not only could he hear, he was still Tucker.  The things he loved before, he loved just the same.  As each day passed, familiar things made him smile.  I remember one day holding up a Lightning McQueen stuffed toy and he smiled.  It was then we realized he could not only hear and understand, but he also had some visual ability. 
 
Our social worked from Childrens of DC contacted Make A Wish about Tucker, and in August we were on our way to where else but Disney World.  They say that Disney World is a magical place, and oh it is, but when every moment counts, it's a whole new experience.  We stayed at Give Kids the World.  Our entire family was pampered, catered to, and absolutely spoiled.  As I mentioned, we have 2 other children who have also endured alot and made many sacrifices in their childhood so that we could care for Tucker.  Give Kids the World and Make A Wish provided an experience for the entire family, because they acknowledge that. 
 
Throughout the week, we visited every park.  Animal Kingdom, MGM, Epcot, and of course the Magic Kingdom.  As you can imagine, the Magic Kingdom was amazing.  Since Tucker wasn't able to walk or sit up, they allowed us to hold him on the rides, and because we were taken to the front of the line as vip guests, we were able to ride almost every ride in the kingdom!  But the most memorable part of the trip was when we went to the castle.  We were just going to walk through, and I remembered there was a restaurant in the castle.  I also remembered that you have to make reservations 6 months in advance, but wanted to see "just in case".  Because we were on a wish, they took us straight in, and to who else, but Cinderella.  Cinderella loved on Tucker, and when she kissed him on the head I wasn't sure his face could contain the smile.  We went into the castle to eat and when we told Tucker we were in Cinderella's castle, that was magic.  His face lit up and he had this noise that would come out when he was happy.  We were all so wrapped up in that moment.  It's a picture that I will never ever forget. 
 
Sea World was a very special day.  I wasn't sure how much Tucker would comprehend, but the Sea World staff was amazing. We had the opportunity to feed the dolphins privately.  Tucker didn't have the ability to use his hands, so I asked if we could allow him to touch the dolphin with his feet.  They brought the dolphins up and it was just a beautiful moment to see that interaction. 
 
We went to Universal Studios and met Barney.  At Give Kids the World we had pony rides and Christmas in August with Santa, time with Mickey and Minnie.  It was a full week, and it filled us up.  It was such an awesome feeling to know that a child so limited could still experience such happiness.  There was a big smile on his face all week long. 
 
When we returned home, we would talk about it, and he remembered, and the conversation would always elicit a big smile.  Treasures in our hearts. 
 
That's how we lived.  Where we went, Tucker went, camping, hiking, every day cherished, every day an adventure.  But there was something magical, and something fulfilling about our wish trip. 
 
Tucker passed away two months ago.  But thanks to Make a Wish, thanks to those of you whose contributions make wishes possible, we have priceless memories.  Treasures.  Thank you for making our wish come true, and thank you for letting me share it with you tonight."

I met some amazing people, and I hope our story will encourage people to keep giving so that other dreams can come true. 

As for life here at home, it goes without saying that every day just has to be a new day. We try to be present in the moment, whatever that may be.  Lots of fun things to do this summer, bittersweet knowing that we have that ability.

Today I received a much anticipated package, Anna Dewdney's latest, "Llama Llama Misses Mama". I read it eagerly, yet cautiously, wishing and knowing. It was Llama's first day away from Mama and he missed her terribly, the time away from Mama was HARD and lonely, but Llama found things to do and found out that being away was okay and could be FUN for a little while, because he knew he would see her soon. Before long Mama returns and Llama is THRILLED, but now he can share all the fun things with Mama!

I don't think my little llama is missing his mama, but his mama sure misses him.  But you know what, it's okay for mama to be happy here, and someday...someday.