On Sunday evening, we stood once again at the alter of Second Baptist Church, where we once promised God that we would provide our utmost care and love to the precious gift He gave to us...this time our hearts entrusted Tucker back into the hands of his Maker.

The setting was just as it should have been, wall to wall balloons (Thank you Second Youth!!!). Someone said it looked like a birthday party. Friends and family poured in, many whom we had never met outside of cyberspace, bearing even more balloons. Tucker's favorite toys were present and accounted for: Lightning McQueen, Tomater, Woody, Elmo and of course Barney.

Everyone jumped right in, to join us in celebrating Tucker's life. Dusty Lee did a beautiful job on the piano, then Brian McKaig opened up the service with songs that had ministered to us during some difficult times, "Everlasting God" and "Blessed Be Your Name", and the perfect message of Tucker's life, "Come to Jesus". Dave Mason and Justin Pratt gave a wonderful tribute.

We had a rather long slideshow of Tucker's three and a half years with Party of Five, but what can I say, he was beautiful, and funny, and always into something...there was just alot to tell and I am soo soo very blessed to be able to have those pictures to tell some of his story.

Perhaps my favorite part of his celebration happened during the slideshow. We had chosen 3 songs, but the slideshow got hung up and we were running out of music. Monty asked his sister if she could play something to fill in. So Shelia, breaks into THE perfect song, which was of course, "Santa Clause is Coming to Town". I KNOW that had Tucker been there he would have demanded that song be played. She followed with "When You Wish Upon a Star", lest we not forget Tucker's love for Disney. Who knew that such simple songs could strike such deep emotion in me...well, Shelia knew (GWO).

For three years, we've ended every night the same way, with our favorite story "Llama Llama Red Pajama", so this night would not be any different. Shelia entreated us to one last reading.

Boog Potter did an amazing job on "Midnight Cry", reminding us that we have a wonderful promise ahead.

One of the Howard's earthly angels, a CICU nurse who has literally nursed Tucker through his most critical hours not once but 3 times, rushed 8 hours to be at our side as soon as she heard. Since we met her, she has ministered to us, taught us, prayed with us and loved us. She closed the service with sweet words and a beautiful prayer.

Monty and I were suprised (I'm not sure why), and absolutely honored to have three more of Tucker's angels with us. Tucker's team of physicians, the team that worked diligently to keep him with us for three years. So blessed to know them, so very blessed. We didn't realize, but there were many others there who have cared for Tucker's medical and emotional needs through the years, Tucker's angels, our heroes.

Following the service we "sent the balloons to Tucker"...





Our Valley View and Second families provided a feast and covered us with love and support. Lynnhurst provided such care and lifted the burden of making difficult decisions during a difficult time. So many friends and family members were behind the scenes taking care of details, taking care of us. Your hugs, your words of encouragement, we feel so humbled and so very underserving. As you continually lift us up even calling us "great parents", we stand in awe, unable to imagine that anyone else in our place would not do the same things we have for the love of their child. And as for our faith, all I know is "greater is He that is within".

Last week we stole away for some quiet time together. Not sure where to start, so many questions and situations ahead. Tucker is okay now, but I can't fight that knawing feeling of emptiness. The feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something right now, that I need to check on him. Somewhere around 2 hours from home, reality hit. No more meds to make, no more formula to make, no more diapers to change...I can officially remove "nurse" from my job description, and to be honest, I wasn't quite ready to give up that title. I miss his presence. I miss his big big smile. I miss his smell. I miss playing with his hair. I miss the gasp he would let out when his favorite cartoon came on. I miss cuddling him close and looking into his big brown eyes. I miss him terribly, and I can't imagine that these feelings will ever subside.

Last year, we said goodbye to the Tucker we knew in many ways. It was sometimes soooo good to know that Tucker seemed to be aware of what was going on around him and that he had the ability to absorb our love, but at the same time, it was sometimes haunting, that is the thought that he was aware as well of all the things he wanted to do but couldn't. As you can read through our posts, Party of Five tried to make the best of a difficult situation, and partied on. We were determined to give Tucker the best life possible, striving to obtain a sense of "normalcy" in our home, cherishing the good and enduring the bad. Looking back, Monty and I can truly say, no regrets.

Today was my first day home alone, Monty's first day back at work, the first "normal day" for the kids at school. Thus marks a new chapter in our lives, perhaps a new book all together.

One last favor we would ask of you...Lynnhurst-Greenwood provided a memorial website in Tucker's honor, where you can post your goodbyes or share what Tucker meant to your life.  In 3 months, they will publish a book of everything posted for us to keep.  You can find the website at www.mem.com , under Tucker Howard. 

Love,
Candy and Monty