I've pondered if I should continue to write since the originial purpose of this website was to keep you updated on Tucker's status.  I've come to the conclusion that this has become much more than a report, but it has become a story. It's a story about a family, a real family, with real troubles and real joys. It's my family, and you have become a part of it, so I invite you to join us on our new journey. 
 
People often tell Monty and I that we are so strong and that they can't imagine, and just don't know what they would do in this situation. I think if you've read any of our story at all, you know where our strength comes from.

So when a family loses a member, what is the after like? You've probably figured out we are anything but traditional, so I'm really not sure what "normal" is, but I can tell you what we've been up to. 

Not a day goes by that Tucker's name doesn't fall from our lips.  Whatever we are doing, in our hearts he is somehow a part, and will forever be. Anna and Ethan know they can talk about anything or ask anything...and believe me, they do...

I had been doing the travel business thing while I was at home with Tucker, and realized real quickly that working from home was NOT going to be my thing anymore.  I actually spent a few days at the library trying to work, because I just didn't want to be home alone. There's only so much work you can do at the library, though.

The silence was pretty much unbearable for the first couple of weeks and I had no one to take care of, so we did the only rational thing...we got a puppy.  It's okay, laugh, we are insane. Those who know me well, know that I, that WE, are NOT dog people.  We are CAT people. But now we are cat people when we are upstairs and dog people when we are downstairs.  "Ruby" was at Young Williams Animal Shelter, standing in the window, begging me to bring her home.  I came home, burried myself in the book "Housetraining for Dummies" and picked her up the next day, determined that this would work.  Long story short..someone must have thought we deserved a break, because I got her home and she was already potty trained, trained to sit and fetch, and the perfect match for our family...our perfect little scruffy dog. She's been awesome.  I'm liking the dog thing alot more since the weather has warmed up.  

                                                                                            

I suppose since she was already trained, I had yet still too much time on my hands. I took a couple of short trips to catch up with friends and had some sweet and refreshing fellowship.  I spent the beginning of Passover with a dear friend in Charlottesville and went to my first Seder.  It was beautiful and healing to my spirit. 

Monty and I have read and studied, and have earnestly sought to find what is next for us. Right now we are just breathing in, resting in Him, and listening. 

Monty has had the hard job around here. Life doesn't stop, and he didn't either. He hasn't had the time to sit still. He wholeheartedly is dedicated to his family and to his career, and he works overtime in both roles. 

I knew the day would come that all of my children would be in school, and it would be time for me to go back to school.  I didn't expect it to be so soon though. I want to be here when Anna and Ethan get home, so the timing is right. I have always been fascinated with the medical field...which is fortunate. You would think I would feel I've done my time in that setting by now, but it's just the opposite.  I looked back on my senior memory book under "Where will you be working 10 years from now?", and it said "in a hospital setting".  Wow, huh?  It's time, it's what I'm supposed to do.  This is something Monty and I have talked about for years, but I never dreamed would be possible.  I will be starting pre-med in Health Science at South College this summer. Six years from now, I hope to be a Physicians Assistant.

I had the opportunity to speak at the annual Make a Wish "Waltz for Wishes" on Saturday night.  Monty was in New York, but my Dad was my date. I was so happy to have the opportunity to share a little bit about one of Tucker's great loves...Disney.  We really tried to make every moment count last year, and the Disney trip was one of the most memorable. Any chance to talk about that smile, the good times, that makes me smile.  It was a little emotional no doubt.  This is what I shared...

"It is an honor to be here tonight.  The Make a Wish Foundation has left a mark on my life that I will never forget.  Tonight I want to share with you a story about a 3 year old boy.   A little boy who loved Lightning McQueen, Mickey Mouse, and maybe most of all, a little boy who LOVED....Cinderella. 
 
My son, Tucker, was born in 2005 with Congenital Heart Disease.  It was a total shock, and the day he was born, no one could promise that he would live another day.   As I was finally able to hold for the first time, I remember telling God, "If I have him for one day, if I have him for a hundred years, I'll cherish every moment, and I'll thank you for it."  And that's exactly how we lived life for the next 2.5 years. 
 
By 2 years old, he had 3 open heart surgeries.  He was a tough little boy, soaring through each surgery and recovery.  To look at him, you would never know what his little body had endured.  He was so full of life.  He would run and play, always smiling, always laughing.  From the time he could walk, he always had a Lightning McQueen car in hand, whether awake or sleeping. He was aquiring quite the vocabulary, and many conversations revolved around Disney.  He had 2 videos that he liked to watch.  Cars, of course, and the Disney promotional video. We had received one in the mail and when given the choice, he would say "Mom! How bout Cinderella's Castle?!?" 
 
In March of 2008 he suddenly became very sick.  We were about to go some diagnostic testing, trying to get him better, when he had a stroke.  He went into a coma, and the doctors informed us that he was neurologically devestated.  He would never walk, talk, eat or do anything independently again, he would most likely be blind and deaf, and possibly never wake up.  As I held him the first time, again he was like a newborn baby.  I told God again, "You gave us two years of treasure. If I have him for one more day, if I have him for a hundred years, I'll cherish every moment, and I'll thank you for it."
 
There was not much anyone else could do, we had been in the hospital nearly 6 weeks and Tucker was still in a coma, and we decided to bring him home.  We had 2 other children to care for and wanted to live life as "normal" as possible.  We did our best to keep things routine.  Every night, we read to him his favorite bedtime story, "Llama Llama Red Pajama", and Lightning McQueen was ALWAYS in hand.  
 
It wasn't long til Tucker began to open his eyes. Soon after, we saw a hint of a smile, and soon we realized that he could hear.  It didn't take long after that to figure out that not only could he hear, he was still Tucker.  The things he loved before, he loved just the same.  As each day passed, familiar things made him smile.  I remember one day holding up a Lightning McQueen stuffed toy and he smiled.  It was then we realized he could not only hear and understand, but he also had some visual ability. 
 
Our social worked from Childrens of DC contacted Make A Wish about Tucker, and in August we were on our way to where else but Disney World.  They say that Disney World is a magical place, and oh it is, but when every moment counts, it's a whole new experience.  We stayed at Give Kids the World.  Our entire family was pampered, catered to, and absolutely spoiled.  As I mentioned, we have 2 other children who have also endured alot and made many sacrifices in their childhood so that we could care for Tucker.  Give Kids the World and Make A Wish provided an experience for the entire family, because they acknowledge that. 
 
Throughout the week, we visited every park.  Animal Kingdom, MGM, Epcot, and of course the Magic Kingdom.  As you can imagine, the Magic Kingdom was amazing.  Since Tucker wasn't able to walk or sit up, they allowed us to hold him on the rides, and because we were taken to the front of the line as vip guests, we were able to ride almost every ride in the kingdom!  But the most memorable part of the trip was when we went to the castle.  We were just going to walk through, and I remembered there was a restaurant in the castle.  I also remembered that you have to make reservations 6 months in advance, but wanted to see "just in case".  Because we were on a wish, they took us straight in, and to who else, but Cinderella.  Cinderella loved on Tucker, and when she kissed him on the head I wasn't sure his face could contain the smile.  We went into the castle to eat and when we told Tucker we were in Cinderella's castle, that was magic.  His face lit up and he had this noise that would come out when he was happy.  We were all so wrapped up in that moment.  It's a picture that I will never ever forget. 
 
Sea World was a very special day.  I wasn't sure how much Tucker would comprehend, but the Sea World staff was amazing. We had the opportunity to feed the dolphins privately.  Tucker didn't have the ability to use his hands, so I asked if we could allow him to touch the dolphin with his feet.  They brought the dolphins up and it was just a beautiful moment to see that interaction. 
 
We went to Universal Studios and met Barney.  At Give Kids the World we had pony rides and Christmas in August with Santa, time with Mickey and Minnie.  It was a full week, and it filled us up.  It was such an awesome feeling to know that a child so limited could still experience such happiness.  There was a big smile on his face all week long. 
 
When we returned home, we would talk about it, and he remembered, and the conversation would always elicit a big smile.  Treasures in our hearts. 
 
That's how we lived.  Where we went, Tucker went, camping, hiking, every day cherished, every day an adventure.  But there was something magical, and something fulfilling about our wish trip. 
 
Tucker passed away two months ago.  But thanks to Make a Wish, thanks to those of you whose contributions make wishes possible, we have priceless memories.  Treasures.  Thank you for making our wish come true, and thank you for letting me share it with you tonight."

I met some amazing people, and I hope our story will encourage people to keep giving so that other dreams can come true. 

As for life here at home, it goes without saying that every day just has to be a new day. We try to be present in the moment, whatever that may be.  Lots of fun things to do this summer, bittersweet knowing that we have that ability.

Today I received a much anticipated package, Anna Dewdney's latest, "Llama Llama Misses Mama". I read it eagerly, yet cautiously, wishing and knowing. It was Llama's first day away from Mama and he missed her terribly, the time away from Mama was HARD and lonely, but Llama found things to do and found out that being away was okay and could be FUN for a little while, because he knew he would see her soon. Before long Mama returns and Llama is THRILLED, but now he can share all the fun things with Mama!

I don't think my little llama is missing his mama, but his mama sure misses him.  But you know what, it's okay for mama to be happy here, and someday...someday.