I love that I don't have to change the "today I feel"! Still "all better". 

Somewhere along the way, I subconsciously  made the decision that home was no longer home.  I suppose to others it may have been obvious, since I have made every possible attempt to escape these four walls whenever presented the opportunity. Every day my husband and two children leave for work and school, and every day I have set my mind to find something to do outside of the house. There's only so much one can do, though.  I've enrolled in school, but it hasn't started yet.  I've had lunch with my kids, with friends, Monty. I've taken trips. Then there are the every day errands of course.  Errands are dangerous for me, though, because I love to shop. I never buy anything that's not on sale, but there is a fine line between what one needs and what one needs because it's on sale. 

I'm not complaining. I thank my husband often for giving me the gift of being a stay at home mom.  I am happy to have done it. It's just now stay at home mom is only a part time job.  I so look forward to the afternoon, waiting by the door for Anna and Ethan, snack laid out on the table, ready to sit down and find out all about their day. 

It's the in between hours that getcha.  Not that there isn't plenty to be done around here.  I will be the first to admit that I am not the wife that walks around with a dustrag in her pocket, and a vacuum is sometimes hard to get to, burried under the things that pile on top of it as weeks pass.  But order, you will generally find. 

I've gotten used to the quiet.  I've adjusted to the fact that I'm only accountable to me during the day. Seems like I should enjoy the time off and stop whining! So what's up?

Monty has been away on business for a few days, the kids have been at school, and I had no obligations, so I just could not imagine anything better to do than stay in bed for 3 days.  (I could actually think of many things better than staying in bed, just not at the time.) I just didn't want to get up and walk around an empty house.

I suppose that's when it occurred to me that I no longer feel at home in my own house.  It's lonely, it's quiet, it's different.  So I figured I'm gonna have to come to terms with that pretty quickly, because well, this is our home.  Our beautiful home, that we are so blessed to have.

So knowing that Monty was to arrive home soon, I didn't want him to feel the way I did.  I started cleaning up a bit.  I put some dishwashing liquid into a pot to soak, and it reminded me of a funny story.  When Monty and I were first married, we had a fry daddy (so our eating habits were not always healthy). It was one where you reused the grease a few times (yeah, I'm cringing myself). So I got it out one night, plugged it in and poured in the fries.  Monty came along and said "why are the fries bubbling?", and sure enough, there were bubbles rising to the top.  It didn't take long to figure out that Monty had put dishwashing detergent and water in it to soak the last time we used it, and I obviously had missed that!  And these are the things newlyweds do... I miss that innocence so badly.  The fairytale.

But it made me remember that feeling of when you have your first home. For us that was a little apartment, but it was ours, and it was home.  I was so excited to clean it and fix things just so. I worked then and I would have done ANYTHING to stay home one day just so I could be in my home. I want to feel that way again! 

Today was the perfect day to be cooped up, because it was too yucky to go anywhere.  I turned on some music and opened my windows so I could hear the rain, and I enjoyed being in that moment.

You hear about the benefits of aromatherapy, and I am a believer. Smell is one of my favorite gifts from God. I have a few new favorites that trigger some pretty special memories. 

On the night Tucker died here, we had a special ceremony with family and some dear friends. In ancient days people would annoint bodies of the deceased with spices and oils. That night, we rubbed his little body with Frankincense and Myrrh. Nothing to do with his soul, but closure, and a gift to his body that had been so worn. We used an oil called "joy", an essence that would bring to mind all of the many joys that Tucker brought to our lives, and each took a "joy" saturated piece of one of his baby blankets. We don't claim any power in the oil, but we certainly acknowledge that the sense of smell can be an amazing gift.

Today I've burned the oil, and the aroma still fills my home.  Painful memories give way to sweetness. Today I enjoyed being here.  It felt like home.  Tomorrow I get to go to school and I cannot WAIT to get out of the house! But at the end of the day, I get to come home.

One day at at time, right?  I know the treasures of earth will pass and we are only here for a season, but God gave us life and breath, and we are here. Waiting on Him, but present in the moment, cherishing each one, and thanking Him for it.