Blessed
For the most part, I have mastered the skill of emotional distraction. I hold tight to the things that remind me of Tucker. I cherish every opportunity to celebrate his life. However, these days, I admit, I don't often allow myself idle time.
I got an unexpected gift on my drive home today. I popped in a CD of a recorded church service from early 2008 with the intent of listening to the music, and my heart skipped a beat by precious interference, the excited squeals and happy chatter from a certain 2 year old who was busily playing with his Cars nearby the recorder. For a moment, I could hear him again and my heart was full. I played the recording over and over and over and over again, because that's what I have.
We have pictures meticulously placed in a photo book. They are in order, and they tell a story. We have videos of first words, and milestones, but the random, otherwise insignificant moments caught on tape of a pizza covered face that just wants to look at himself in the camera...those are the ones I treasure.
It's almost unfathomable that it's been almost 2 years since I heard that sound. How is it even possible that one day it's here and the next day it's not?
And in moments like these, I am blessed to remember. I am blessed to feel. Unfortunately, remembering the presence requires acknowledging the absence. I read recently in a book, "When A Child Dies" (thank you Wanda), the story of a mother who refuses to give up the good memories of her child's life. She said sometimes you have to walk over broken glass to get there, but it's worth it. Her words could not be more accurate.
Sometimes I find myself consoling people when they ask me how I am. Just today, someone I recently met, sweetly told me that they had visited the website for the first time. I smiled and said, "He was an awesome little boy."...just as if we were talking about someone from a story I'd read.
Though Tucker is ever present on my lips and in my mind, this afternoon I allow myself to walk over the broken glass and visit Tucker in my heart. Not just the awesome Tucker that the world knew of and loved, but Tucker my child, Tucker flesh of my flesh and heart of my heart, Tucker whom my soul aches for.
I am blessed to have known the joy, and I am blessed to feel. The Lord giveth, He taketh away, blessed be His name.
I continue to be impacted by the e-mails, pictures and insights that you have freely shared the past several years. Thank you for opening up your love and faith to those of us that have never met you and your family personally but who know you as though we were longtime friends, as we are one in Christ. May God continue to bless you. Terri
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I love you guys.
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May God send special blessings your way (to your entire family) for touching our heart's by sharing your heart & Tucker's.
May you be surrounded with the "peace that passes all understanding" today & always.
Terri Harvey
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Hey! Very sweet post. stated only as someone who has been there could say it. I pray that you have lots of opportunities to comfort others who have walked the same path. YOu would do it with such compassion and grace.
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Beautiful post. It sounds to me like you are at a good place in your heart, which means that our prayers have been working. =)
Our memories are beautiful things. You and Tucker have taught me to appreciate those "insignificant" moments. I have learned through experiences in my own life this past year that it's true: when something happens and they are what you are left with, that you couldn't be more grateful for them. Continue to cherish those memories. Thank you for sharing with us.
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Candy and Monty,
I had read about Tucker when our son Cooper was in the hospital. The last update I read was somewhere around Thanksgiving of last year. I just sat here and cried for the last hour reading your story. I am saddened by the news of Tuckers passing. My son Cooper is a heart patient and much like Tucker. I must say that you give me so much strength. You are amazing people and parents. I am proud of you for keeping your faith as I have questioned mine when Cooper got sick. I love what you said about days being numbered, but we don't sit and count them. We try to make each day as normal as possible. Because of Tucker and your postings, I will cherish all days with Cooper, not just the good ones. I pray that God will bless you as you have blessed others. You are such an inspiration to all, but especially to those who are dealing with some of the same challenges that you have dealt with.
Dawn Haris
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Just wanted to say Happy New year to you all. Still think about your family! Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! Hope school is going well and all the kids are doing well
Julie
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Hello Monty and Candy- it's the Martins in DC-we were just sitting here wondering how you are doing-- we hope you are doing well and send our best wishes to the entire Howard clan! All the best-
Len and Amy
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Hi Candy,
I am so sorry about all you've been through. I am in an MBA program trying to put together a research presentation and performing analysis for a heart institute on how important it is to put patients first when it comes to patient care. When I came across your blog, it moved me so. I have a healthy 3 year old and a 5 month old - both little boys. You are an amazing woman and I am so, deeply sorry for your loss. God Bless you and your family. My deepest condolences.
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